Happy Halloween, My Dear Marauder!
by Alania Black
Summary: Remus decides he’s too old for Halloween, Sirius decides to show him otherwise. More chapters! Het as well as slash now!
1. 1 Happy Halloween, My Dear Marauder!

**Hey, belated Halloween fic! This is a Halloween challenge from Cheyanne (Known on FF as Rag-Doll-Chey), if you like this; I set her a rather wonderful Remus/Draco slash challenge titled "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" which you should read. It involves humor, Hermione death, voyeur Snape, and, of course, Remus/Draco slashy goodness. Happy Halloween!**

**I do realize that no where in this challenge it states that this must be Sirius/Remus slash, but Cheyanne and I agree that these lines are perfect for our (slightly tipsy) boys. The Challenge is as follows: A Halloween fic consisting of the lines: 'Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog', 'Cauldron Cake', 'Not as old as we thought we were, are we now?' and 'Well pin a rose on your nose.'**

**WARNINGS: Cursing (of both kinds probably), old age sex, slash, lots of humorous drunken adults and a bit of underage drinking, as well as mentions of underage sex.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own them not. I am merely using them for my own and Cheyanne's sick, sadistic humor.**

**SUMMARY: Remus decides he's too old for Halloween, Sirius decides to show him otherwise.**

**On with the sex... I mean show! On with the show!**

**Happy Halloween, My Dear Marauder!**

**"Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog,**

**Tongue of Bat and Ear of Hog, **

**Mix it up and make a smog,**

**And then drink it like a –"**

**"Sirius, I fink you's drunk!" Giggled an equally inebriated harry Potter as Sirius squinted and sang cheerful Halloween songs. The half term this year fell with Halloween directly in the middle, so Harry, Hermione, and the Weasleys were at Grimmauld place to celebrate it with their favorite Azkaban escapee and Werewolf.**

**Sirius stumbled through to the Living Room to find said Werewolf sitting with a book in his lap, calmly ignoring the party going on around him.**

**"Remmie!" He whined, "Come play! Even Molly's drunk. That can't be good for the baby, but who cares! Ohh, want a Cauldron Cake?" Sirius proceeded to hand the werewolf what turned out to be a chocolate fudge cake. Remus gobbled it down ravenously.**

**"Go away, Sirius. We're too old to be celebrating Halloween like a bunch of kids." He said firmly, somehow sounding stern through a mouthful of chocolate fudge cake.**

**"What! Old? Me? Moony, I'm wounded, mortally wounded! Now, come and get incredibly sloshed with me and Harry and talk in loud voices about how your sex life was so much better than his at 16!"**

**"Yeah, well, that may have something to do with him not having – Harry has a sex life?"**

**"Yep! But you've gotta be drunk to hear about it."**

**"Fine! ONE Firewhisky, Siri, you know Werewolves can't stomach their drink.**

**Five Firewhiskeys later**

**"Annnnd that's how I finally topped Sirius."**

**"Twice."**

**"Twice. Thank you Sirius." Remus giggled loudly.**

**"What?!" Sirius exclaimed, giggling as well.**

**"You always were better on the bottom."**

**"Is that a challenge?" Sirius demanded, his voice hard.**

**"Mmmaaaybbee..." Remus drew it out.**

**"Right, that's it, up those stairs you, I'm going to prove how much better I am on top!"**

**This was followed by a series of loud crashes and bands, then a loud cry of "Oh, Gods, Siri!" and a lot of sex noises.**

**Harry grinned, flushed with alcohol.**

**"They certainly know how to do it right, don't they?" A deep male voice asked by his ear, promptly sucking on it. Harry moaned loudly, before turning and claiming those wonderful lips as his own.**

**"We could do better, I reckon Charlie, love." Charlie smirked.**

**"Well, pin a rose to your nose and lets find out!"**

**"Exactly how drunk are you?" Harry asked as he was dragged up the stairs by Charlie. His response was swallowed in a heated kiss and a loud moan.**

****

**The next morning dawned bright and cheery... right into Sirius Black's eyes. He groaned, covering his eyes and attempting to sit up. This process was hindered by the arm wrapped tightly around his waist. He proceeded to charm the curtains shut and fell back to sleep.**

****

**Charlie woke up and blinked the sleep out of his eyes.**

**"Damn, I was having the most wonderful dream that harry was drunk and we had lots of wild passionate sex that even drowned out Remus and Sirius next door."**

**"that wasn't a dream, love. And it's my turn on top, by the way." Charlie's response was once again stolen by Harry's warm mouth... only it wasn't around his lips this time. He sighted happily and sank back into sexual bliss.**

****

**"I can't believe Harry lost his virginity to Draco Malfoy of all people." Remus said as he and Sirius lay in bed together several hours later. He was talking louder than usual to cover the loud moans and bands and cries of "Oh, Harry, harder!" that were still emitting from the next room.**

**"Yeah, but then again, you lost yours to Snivellus, so who's to judge."**

**"Suppose." Remus agreed mildly, flushing at a particularly loud moan from the next room.**

**"So, we're not as old as we thought we were now, are we?"**

**"No. Guess that means we've got the same stamina as them, and the ability to beat them ten to one?"**

**"Well, certainly." Sirius smirked, proceeding to prove his worth on the top once again... and again and again.**

**All in all, it wasn't a bad Halloween, although four people couldn't sit properly for a week and everyone needed excruciatingly strong hangover potions, and in one bushy haired girl's case, a promise to never ask why she woke naked with Severus Snape handcuffed to her bed.**

****

**A/N, Mmm, Severus Snape handcuffed to a bed... Drool**

**So, 735 words of meaningless crap! And, I swear, I really didn't expect that whole Harry/Charlie bit, the characters just ran away with themselves.**

**Tell me, what did you think? Good? Bad? Should I never go anywhere near a computer or pen again? Thought so. Oh well, worth a shot!**

**R&R Peeps! Love ya!**


	2. 2 Happy Halloween, My Dear Professor!

A review from Cheyanne, who set me the Haloween Challenge said that her friend, when she read this, started squealing about Cheyanne being the bushy haired girl with Severus Snape tied to her bed… well, as much as we all wish that were true, I'm afraid it isn't. So this one is dedicated to Cheyanne's friend with the message: Dream on (I sure will be!)

WARNING: References to slashy old bokes having sex, slashy underage blokes having sex and naughty girls having sex with professors.

Disclaimer and Summary in Chapter One.

Happy Halloween, My Dear Marauder.

Chapter Two, Happy Halloween, My Dear Professor.

It was when Sirius and Remus entered the next round of the sex competitions with Harry and Charlie that she decided she really, really was the only one...

The only one left at the edges of the dancefloor when everyone else was dancing for their lives; the only one who slept the night away rather than partied; the only one who bought handcuffs, not to play with a willing partner, but to hold together the bags with her books in because she couldn't do magic and was left to desperate means.

Not this time, though. Sure, the party was pretty much over; Molly and Arthur had retreated to their room when sense struck and she remembered that she was, in fact, pregnant. She had, of course, shepherded her younger children to bed, leaving only Bill to play, as Charlie was in bed with Harry at this moment. She'd spotted the Twins, Percy, Oliver and Lee move on several hours ago. Knowing them, they would drag Percy, pretending to kick and scream, to a seedy bar where he would make the first excuse to stumble home and shag Oliver in the middle of the kitchen. They'd been doing that a lot since they moved in with eachother, and, apparently, the kitchen was Percy's favourite; no carpet burns and enough food to play with to last him a lifetime. The Twins, too, would probably stumble home and fall into bed with Lee… they had, as Hermione had discovered during her routine Prefect's duties, a penchance for doing that a lot... anywhere they could.

In fact, the only people still "partying" aside from her was Tonks, Moody and Snape... and Tonks and Moody were leaving. Great. Leave her alone with Snape, the only other git too pathetic to party. She may be a looser, but that didn't mean she wanted to hang out with one... even if he was a hell of a lot more attractive now that he could keep himself clean without fears of being discovered. The fact that he, in truth, rather enjoyed the occasional threesome with Remus and Sirius also helped to improve his mood.

Damn, now she was becoming interested in _Snape _ she was that desperate. And horny. How could anyone listen to those four go at it like rabbits and _not_ be horny, really...

Maybe he could do with a good lay from a woman who wasn't afraid to show him his place.

He'd need to be drunk first... very, very drunk. She'd had two firewhiskeys and she'd only just begun considering it, so he'd need to be mega drunk...

Maybe it'd be best to just give up now? She had nothing to prove, anyway, harry and Ron loved her this way; nice, predictable Hermione; always kep her head; always knew all the answers; always there to make sure thay didn't do anything too bad...

Right, Proffessor Snape, prepare to be well and truly fucked!

Just as soon as I pick myself up off the floor.

"Miss Granger, is there any particular reason you're laying on the floor?"

"Call me Hermione, Severus. No, I'm simply enjoying the view."

"What view?"

"Well, at the moment, Severus, all I can see is you, not that I'm complaining, mind; however, when you are not there, I can see a lovely crack on the ceiling, probably because those two are going at it so hard they're going to make the ceiling come crashing down on us."

"Which two would that be, Miss Granger?"

"One of them, not sure which one is above us. Please, as I already said, call me Hermione."

"Hermione... Is there anything I can get you? Water? Whiskey?"

"Condom and a pair of handcuffs if you have any." Hermione then giggled.

"Err, I have a condom, but no handcuffs I'm afraid. Anybody in particular you wish to use them on, considering I'm the only one here?"

"It'll have to be you then, and I have handcuffs in my bedroom."

"Very good, ten points to Gryffindor… make that fifty… not even Remus found out how to do thaaat…" 'Oh, this is far too easy... fun though…'

When she woke up to the sound of a badly stifled shriek, Hermione groaned and rolled over, jolting upright when she noticed Ginny stood at the door.

"Hermione, just because I spent the last few hours on with Neville does NOT mean you can leave... five, FIVE packets of used condoms on my bed!"

"Oh, put'em on the floor and go to bed." Hermione mumbled, already snugling down again. Ginny did as she was told, and went to sleep as well.

When, several hours later, she woke up to mumbled curses, she decided that one in the afternoon was about time to get up. When Severus pulled her into his arms again the second she released him and made a start on an encore, she decided to screw time... and him, for that matter.

A/N Well, how was that for an encore? I hope you enjoy reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it... I don't usually go in for Het, but that was too good to resist!

Well, R&R people, you should know the drill by now!


	3. 3 The Morning After

I couldn't resist it! I have redone small parts of the last chapter to make it more grammatically correct, but nothing really Plot-changingly important. Or sentence-changingly important, for that matter!

Hey, reviews! I love all of my reviewers, and if I missed you, tell me in a review! I promise, I will not forget you the next time!

SITboyShippou: Oh, god, don't kill yourself! I'm a pacifist; I can't become a literary murderer!

Rag-Doll-Chey: No, I was _not_ insulting her intelligence! I dedicated a whole chapter to her! How could she think that!?

goddess-of-the-sacred-river: Yeah, here it is. Hey, if you're lucky, there'll be a chapter 4, and a sequel as well! Sorry, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, I know. Love ya doll!

Disclaimers, warnings and summary in the first chapter. This chapter is dedicated to SITboyShippou, for reviewing all of my fics and for being a cool dude!

Happy Halloween, My Dear Marauder.

Chapter Three, The Morning After.

Severus Snape, aside from the occasional threesome with Remus and Sirius, was usually a reserved man with a sense of what was right or wrong. And he knew that waking up in bed with Hermione Granger was wrong. Very, very wrong. And, if he could make his hands stop stroking her in such an intimate way for even a second, he could rectify that. Unfortunately, his hands refused to stop when it was making her moan in such a way.

Several hours later, he finally worked up the sense to stumble out of her bed... or he would if he wasn't handcuffed down.

"Miss, Granger, would you please remove these damnable handcuffs from my – is that a black leather corset?!"

"Mmmm? Oh, the corset, yes, I conjured it last night. I didn't know you were into the kinky dominatrix thing, Severus." She said politely, rolling over and curling into him. He closed his eyes, deciding to ask later how she managed to conjure a corset... along with many other questions about this whole disturbing incident.

He glanced across at her muggle clock to see that it was, in fact, late afternoon.

"Miss. Granger, please, it is nearly four in the afternoon, and I am quite hungry, could you please release me?"

"Hungry, you say?" Her eyes held a strange twinkle, and Severus suddenly felt very, very naked. That could be because he was naked, and she was looking at him like he was a four course vegetarian meal. Hermione rolled over a bit more, before sitting up and straddling him. "Now, now, we can't have you going hungry, can we? I will be back in a minute."

He watched in shock as she stood up, yanked on his t-shirt, and left, whistling happily, despite that she was wearing a t-shirt that was so short she didn't even need to bend over to show her bare, very scrumptious arse, and her bare breasts were pressing their erect nipples to his t-shirt so... She'd have probably been better going naked.

"Hi Harry, Ron... err, everyone." Everyone grunted in greeting, not bothering to look up.

"Hermione! We didn't expect to see you at all today, we figured you were doing your homework. Have you seen Sn... ape…" Harry had turned around on the last word. He looked at his (unbelievably sexy) friend in shock. "Err..."

"Yeah, Severus is handcuffed to my bed right now. I was just getting us food, have you seen the whipped Cream." She asked pleasantly. Harry pointed, open mouthed, and grunted a bit in the direction of one of the cupboards. "Thanks. See you later... tomorrow maybe."

She walked out, whistling happily, ignoring the dumbfounded, drooling stares being sent he way. Even Ginny and Tonks had to admit that was incredibly sexy.

"Anyone fancy listening in?" The other men were too catatonic to even hear Sirius, who pouted a bit about being ignored, before dragging Remus upstairs... this was only supposed to have been a coffee break, anyway.

Hermione slid into the room, smiling as she watched her lover struggle to get out of the handcuffs.

"Yeah, you can tire yourself out trying if you want to, they are magically sealed, the only way you can get out is with the key, which is downstairs."

"Bollocks." Severus sighed. He slumped back, but straightened as he felt something extremely cold being poured onto his chest – followed by a delightfully warm tongue lapping up the sticky substance he could only guess was Whipped Cream. Ah well, he'd been held prisoner in much worse... oh, very, very much worse.

"We're out of condoms." He sighed, about half an hour later, when she'd unlocked him, using the innocuous key on her dresser. Figures the brazen Gryffindor would lie about something like that... He'd handcuffed her down then, in punishment. She would be into this, wouldn't she. She'd even drowned out the sound of those two going at it next door, not to mention Harry and Charlie two doors down...

"Oh, who gives a damn. Screw me now!" She moaned out. How could he argue with a request like that?

Remus groaned. "I give up! We may be able to beat Harry and Charlie, but seriously, Siri, we cannot compete with Severus and Hermione. I swear, that girl deserves the award for kink! She was always such a bright, studious girl, figures she'd be a brazen, kinky dominatrix underneath!"

"Mmhmm, I'm so proud of her. Reminds me of someone I now, actually." Sirius smirked.

"Are you accusing me of being a brazen, kinky dominatrix, Sirius?"

"Who, me? Never!" Remus smirked at the look of fake innocence on his lovers' face.

"That innocent look would work a hell of a lot better if you weren't sprawled on my bed, naked and spread eagled with a massive erection and my lip gloss smeared over parts of you most people don't even know _exist_. Now, brazen, kinky dominatrix, was it?"

"Oh, yes, please..." Sirius moaned in response.

A/N. It has come to my attention that this chapter is nothing but shameless smut. Very good smut, if I do say so myself, but shameless smut all the same. I'm asking you to stick with it though, as the next chapter will be up (hehe!) very shortly, and it shall be nothing but good, clean humor. Yeah, laugh with me! However, they shall leave the bedroom, so there won't be as much smut, hopefully. An actually Plotline, possibly! I'm finishing this in the next chapter or two, then I shall do a Christmas sequel. Bet you can't guess the name!

As always, don't forget to R&R!


	4. 4 Finally Leaving The Bedroom!

Hello! I have realised that finishing this and doing a Christmas sequel isn't the best idea (Especially since, at this rate, the Christmas stuff won't happen until sometime around Febuary) so it shall just be another part of this, which makes the Halloween part of this obsolete, really.

Thank you to everyone out there who reviewed, I love you all.

This is dedicated, however prematurely, to Kihin Rahon, for Chapter Four of All Kidding Aside, as I trust that, even if she misses the other two deadlines, she'll manage this one. SHAMELESS PLUG! Read All Kidding Aside if you love Sirius/Remus, humor and smut. It's not really smutty, but the innuendos are enough to get your blood boiling!

Happy Halloween, My Dear Marauder.

Chapter 4, Finally Leaving the Bedroom!

After spending the rest of the holiday pretty much locked up together in their bedrooms, Harry, Charlie, Sirius and Remus were all quite exhausted, and none of them were particularly looking forward to going back to school (Charlie was taking up Flying Instructor, after Madame Hooch decided to follow her dreams and left to backpack around Thailand). Harry and Charlie had both agreed on continuing the relationship in school – something that was allowed by school rules as Harry and Charlie were not Teacher/Student when they bagan seeing eachother, and Harry didn't have flying lessons anyway. Sirius was living at Hogwarts with remus, and covering the moon-lessons for him, as he had become DADA teacher again. Ron had said he was just waiting for the rest of the teachers to be swapped for Order Members as well, which left them with the fairly horrifying image of Mundungus Fletcher attempting to teach a subject like Muggle Studies ("and this is what Muggles call beer, don't worry, it's non-alcoholic, Malfoy's just ill, that's why he's trying to feel Potter up...").

One Werewolf in particular was especially not looking forward to his return. He had, of course, known that Werewolves could get pregnant. It was a fact he'd had drilled into him by both the Ministry and his parents from the age of four. Unfortunately, it seems that when a drunk Werewolf is trying to prove a lot of people wrong, thoughts of protection go flying out the window (along with trousers, conveniently enough). So, now he had the added worry that he could very well be pregnant – he and every other person living in Grimmauld Place over the Holidays. It was a little-known phenomenon that Werewolf pregnancies are contagous. It's the pheromones, they giove off protection for their mates, but they have also been known to set off primal instincts within non-werewolves that lead to a lot of them getting pregnant.

Luckily, it seemed, Harry and Charlie (boy, it had taken a lot of courage to actually tell them about this) had both used protection, and the charm that went blue constantly for him went clear for both of them. Molly was already pregnant and the others assured him they hadn't had sex.

So, now all he had to worry about was telling his lover that they were expecting a baby.

He began to think he'd rather face getting everyone else in the Order pregnant first.

"Siri, love, umm... sit down. You know we're heading back to Hogwarts tommorrow, and I wanted to discuss something important with you." Sirius, it had to be said, did look incredibly worried when Remus spoke up. Either that, or the fact that Remus was sitting, _fully clothed_, on the bed, trying to talk to Sirius, confused the poor bloke enough that he didn't think about anything else.

"Umm... well, you know we were having that little... competition with Harry and Charlie the other day... and we were drunk... and we ran out of the condoms you stole off of Severus and Hermione... and I said it didn't matter... well, apparently it did. Umm... Siri, love, we're having a baby."

Remus was almost glad Sirius was unconcious.

It was, however, during the arduous process of waking his lover up and beginging the insistences that he was sure, that the test hadn't been wrong the first time, or the second, or the fifteenth, that he came to a realisation. He'd forgotten one couple. One incredibly vital couple actually. A couple that had been left with a shortage of condoms and more sex-drive than probably everyone in the house put together.

Fuck.

It has to be said, Hermione was a responsible person. Sure, she'd spent the past 4 days either handcuffed to or with Severus handcuffed to her bed, and certainly, the only thing she'd eaten over said four days, aside the obvious, was chocolate body paint, whipped cream, ice cream and assorted fruits (it's amazing, the things her lover can do with a cherry...). However, she was a responsible person, so upon waking up on that day, the 5th November, she had instantly resolved that this was it. The end, finite. Once she'd finished having the best sex of her life with Severus, she was going to break it off with him, go get ready for her return to school, and on the train, see how Ginny felt about women. Especially the bushy-haired types with a penchance for handcuffs and body paint.

However, being pulled out of her bedroom by one Remus J. Lupin before she even had a chance to wake her lover up, let alone begin the task of fantastic break-up sex was _not _how she liked to start her mornings. It was for this reason that she was particularly snappish with the poor werewolf when he dragged her into his bedroom and plonked her down next to a drowsy looking Sirius, who kept mumbling about "baby". They had weird pet-names, really. Baby was so old it was probably young again.

"Hermione, this is incredibly important, so don't start pouting. I fear you and Severus may be lacking a few condoms, and I know that in the throes of passionate sex you could be inclined to forget about them, but you MUST remember them. I'm pregnant, and I'm sure you know what that means for you."

"But Remus, we ran out of condoms two days ago... fuck!"

Oh, this was going to be a long year.

A very long year.

A/N; I know, short and boring. No smut, either, which was dissapointing. The next chapter should, hopefully, make up for it.

Review! It is my life-giver!


	5. 5 Fk!

Hello! I'm baack!

I've begun to realise that I actually quite love this fic, and it's come very far from the point, which was a stupid slashy one-shot for halloween. Also, the slash is going to die down for a few chapters, while we focus on our darling Hermione! This doesn't mean I'm going off focus – this IS a Sirius/Remus fic, I just need to sort out where Hermione and Severus are going. THEN, well, then I can promise you a fantastic treat in the form of Sirius and Remus.

Now, the big question, should I take advantage of the Werewolf situation and get anyone else pregnant? I'm just imagining the look on Ron's face if he were to find out that his dear little sister was pregnant with Neville's kid, hehehe…Evil face

I'd like to warn all you little kiddies out there that there is a lot of swearing in this fic. I do apologise for that, but I have a Hugh Grant thing going at the moment, which includes a lot of swearing.

Chapter 5, Fuck!

"You have got to be kidding me! Are you seriously suggesting that I'm… that I could be… I'm pregnant?"

"You're WHAT!"

"Oh, fuck…" Hermione moaned, watching her lover (the father of her child…) as he paled increasingly further than she'd ever thought imaginable, standing imposingly in the doorway.

"Severus… hi, um, I thought you were sleeping…"

"Don't give me that sheepish crap, miss, and tell me the truth. Are you pregnant, Hermione? With my –"

"Of course it's yours! Who else could it possibly be? Lavendar? Parvarti? Cho? Or did you forget you're my first – my ONLY – male lover!" Hermione cried angrily, feeling the intense need to cry. Severus was pissed off. Oh, he was so very, very pissed off.

"So… so you're actually… pregnant?"

"Well… I'm not sure, actually. Remus is pregnant."

"Good Lord, Lupin, do you have no sense? I assume everyone else knows about this, or have you left them to get themselves pregnant, as well?" he sighed. "Well, Hermione, why don't you do the test?"

Hermione nodded, and pulled her wand out with shaking hands. She waved it over her abdomen, quitely whispering soft words.

"It will be ready in a few minutes. For now… who fancies a game of Scrabble?" Hermione instantly whipped out a board from the bedside table, and they settled down to play the game.

"Umm… ONLY" hermione smiled, placing the small disks down over the star in the middle of the board.

"LAZY" Sirius placed, with a smile.

"OTHER" Remus followed triumphantly.

"Hmm... HAZEL!" Severus cried, placing a winning word.

"You know, that's a nice name for a girl, if we have a daughter. What do you think we should call a son?"

"Umm, Hermione, love, we don't even know that you are pregnant, and I need to get past the whole "pregnant" part first, before I focus on the baby names part."

"Yes, yeah, that's probably the best idea." Hermione sighed, looking slightly crestfallen, and also wuite shocked. It appeared the realisation she could be pregnant had actually hit her.

A few minutes later, Hermione felt a gentle tingling sensation.

"Test's ready!" They gathered around her, as her abdomen began to glow softly. Five seconds later, a light settled around her.

A clear light. Negative.

A/N This is short, but I thought it's good to leave it there. Now, what do you want to see in the next chapter?

Don't forget to review!


	6. 6 Baked Beans and Ginger Ice Cream

I'm evil, I know. FOUR MONTHS! I know! I'm such a terrible, eevil , eevil woman! However, I have returned with the long awaited sixth chapter! And today, we may even see Mr. Draco Malfoy! I'm not sure how you'll appreciate having yet another gay person in the fic though... Meh, I might make him bi instead...

Disclaimer, warning, summary and such are all in the first chapter.

I have decided, for the sake of propriety (and because even _I_ can't remember) I shall list all the couples so far.

Sirius/Remus, Charlie/Harry, Hermione/Severus, Severus/Sirius/Remus (mentioned), Twins/Lee, Oliver/Percy, Ginny/Neville, Tonks/Moody (inferred, not quite sure if anyone really noticed that one), Severus/Remus (mentioned), Harry/Draco (mentioned), Hermione/Lavendar (mentioned), Hermione/Cho (mentioned), Hermione/Parvarti (mentioned), Bill and Fleur (mentioned).

Happy Haloween, My Dear Marauder!

Chapter Six, Baked Beans and Ginger Ice Cream.

Hermione felt quite guilty when she crawled into bed with Severus. It was two days after Christmas, and they were all once again at Grimmauld Place for the holidays. Remus, who was now two months pregnant, had laughed at her when she'd begun complaining drunkenly that Severus still wouldn't let her bring Draco (who'd become quite close friends to the Golden trio in recent months) to bed with them and kept being a snarky git. Remus had asked her why she stayed with him if he was so terrible. This question still burned in her mind. Why _did _she stay with Severus? She'd decided almost two months ago that she couldn't stay with him, and yet here she was, sleeping with him, _again_.

They still weren't really serious, however they did seem to meet every day or two and have sex. They never went on dates, or really got to know each other, but Hermione found that she was still loyal to him anyway. She also found that she was falling deeper in love with him the longer she stayed with him. It was terribly stupid of her, she knew. She should have left when she'd had the chance, really.

It was when he began to pay special attention to her tender breasts, being more gentle than usual with them, that she understood it. How many men her age would be so considerate of her body's changes? She frowned as she pulled her favourite jeans on, they were a lot tighter than she remembered. Damn, this was not the time for another growth spurt. She was tall enough already!

Hermione groaned as she rolled out of bed. She felt like she hadn't slept at all. And that horrible metallic taste had returned, she'd managed to get rid of it last night with a lot of chocolate. She was beginning to worry that she may be ill, but she pushed it aside. She never got ill!

"Morning Hermione! Coffee?"

"Gods no, stop being so bloody perky, Harry." She growled mutinously. "Just because you got some last night." Harry smirked.

"Yeah, like you didn't?" He teased. Hermione was about to answer when she felt a loving caress across her cheek.

"Morning love, have a good night's sleep?" Hermione groaned but nodded anyway.

"You don't look any less exhausted than you did last night. I'm beginning to worry that you might be ill." Hermione stiffened, but at that moment Remus stumbled in.

"Arrgh! Stupid baby, I'm so tired. Pass the orange juice, Hermione." He groaned. Hermione frowned and passed the juice along.

"Don't you usually drink tea in the morning, Remus?" She asked. Remus nodded and grimaced.

"Yeah, but I've gone off tea and coffee. It's a standard reaction to being pregnant, don't worry. That and the tender nipples. And the exhaustion, gods, I could sleep the rest of the week and still feel drained. My magic's off too. Are you alright, Hermione, you've gone awfully pale." He suddenly said, looking concerned. Severus frowned and ran a hand down her cheek.

"Hermione's a little ill, Lupin." He said, glancing concernedly at her. Hermione shook her head, all the pieces falling in to place.

"No, I'm not ill."

"Hermione -."

"No, listen. I'm not ill. I never get ill. I can't get ill!" Her voice began to raise a little in pitch - she was due back in school in a week and she had so many exams, she couldn't afford to get ill.

"It's okay, Hermione, it's probably nothing serious, just a little run down. Don't worry about it, you'll be fine with a bit more of a rest." Hermione nodded, sniffing slightly and embarrassedly brushing away tears.

"You're so good to me, Sev." She mumbled as he gently caressed her lower back. She moaned lightly - his touch was doing wonders for relaxing her. After a few more second's indulgence she pulled reluctantly away from the touch and went upstairs to get ready for the day.

Sirius watched Hermione leave the room with amused concern, before leaning over and whispering in Remus' ear "When do you think she'll admit that she's pregnant?" Remus choked slightly on his orange juice. He had hoped it was only his imagination.

"It's not for us to interfere. Now come on, I'm exhausted, I think I want to go back to bed. Maybe you could give me a backrub?" Remus' eyes twinkled invitingly./ Sirius dropped his toast to his plate and sprung up to lead his lover form the room. It had come to his attention very quickly that backrubs - no matter how tired Remus got - always ended up with sex of some form.

While everyone else was settling down happily to breakfast, there came a knock on the door. Harry immediately jumped up to answer it, leaving Charlie sulking at the table before his hand finally returned to the surface. A few seconds later, a grinning Draco Malfoy entered the room. He pulled up a seat next to Ron, who was glowering at Neville (apparently Ron walked in on him and Ginny in a rather compromising position). Neville whimpered a little as Ron continued his violent glares. Draco finally took pity on the quivering mass that was the remains of Neville Longbottom and leaned over to "persuade" Ron to stop glaring at him.

He laid one hand on Ron's thigh, slowly massaging small circles, while his other hand picked up a strawberry from the fruit cocktail on the table. He raised it to Ron's lips and teased it along the opening for a second, before Ron's tongue came out to tentatively caress it. His eyes dropped to Draco's face as he finally allowed the sweet fruit entrance to his mouth, curling his tongue around it before he bit the very tip off. He noticed Draco moan a little, before his tongue followed the route the fruit had taken.

Tonks, across the table from the two boys, turned to her lover. "I didn't know they were dating."

Alastor Moody finally wrenched his good eye away from the tempting sight before him (the other eyes was roving about in his head, conveniently pointing in the direction of Sirius' room) to answer Tonks. "Oh yes, Mr. Potter mentioned something about them needing to learn Silencing Charms during the Halloween." Tonks giggled.

"Maybe we should go... practice our own charms, eh, Alastor?" She murmured seductively, to which the scarred man grinned and proceeded to follow Sirius and Remus upstairs. Bill watched them go with a deep shudder, before returning to his porridge. He was so glad that he had Fleur... Even if she was in France right now and he never actually saw her...

Halloween X Halloween X Halloween

A few hours later, when Sirius, Remus, Hermione and Severus finally resurfaced from their respective rooms (no one dared think where Tonks and Moody had gotten off to) Remus decided to corner Hermione and talk to her.

He finally did it in the library, although he'd never considered that Hermione read _those_ kinds of books. He shouldn't have been surprised, though.

"Gods, I never thought you could do _that_ with a bar and a jar of lubricant." The Werewolf finally said as he tore his eyes away from the page Hermione was on. The young Witch "Mhmm"'ed appreciatively, before closing the book and turning expectantly to the older man.

Remus took the seat across from her, folding his hands seriously and adopting what Sirius dubbed as his "Serious Professor" persona.

"Hermione, I was wondering if you knew how long sperm can survive in the female body before death or impregnation occurs?"

"Three days." She replied promptly. Remus smiled at her and nodded.

"And therefore, the best time to do a pregnancy test, for accurate results, would be?"

"Four days after you last had sex." She returned immediately once more.

"Hermione, how long after you and Severus last had sex was it before we tested you?"

"About an hour. Why?"

"How have you been feeling, recently? Tired?" She nodded. "Tender, nausea? I bet you haven't drunk tea or coffee in over a week. How's your magic?"

"It's a little off, I'm a bit run-down, I'm afraid." She admitted. Remus sighed at the oblivious girl.

"Hermione, have you ever heard of a very serious condition referred to as "denial"?" He asked. She looked up at him sharply, frowning.

"Yes, why?"

"Hermione, you are in denial. You are not run down, nor are you ill. Your magic is not going to suddenly get better once you've had some proper sleep. I know what's wrong with you, and I think you know it too." Hermione looked down at her hands.

"I'm pregnant."

"Yes."

Halloween X Halloween X Halloween

Severus Snape was a very, very patient and intelligent man. He knew several languages, most of them admittedly dead, and was fluent in all of them. He was not phased by anything. He had a very calm exterior and he was very, very healthy.

So he really had no excuse for his response to being informed that he would be a father in seven months to be a quietly gasped "huh?" promptly followed by his fainting.

Of course, when he woke up and finally accepted that she wasn't kidding him, he did inform Hermione that "huh" meant "Marry me" in an extremely obscure dialect of Ancient Mermish and he did not faint, he merely blacked out because of a very well hidden form of the 'Flu. So she marched him off to Madame Pomphrey while she went and announced their engagement to the rest of the Order.

A/N: Well, that's it! Finished! I will write an epilogue, and I may, if people really, really want, do a sequel, but for now…

I think it's funny, really, this is registered as a Sirius/Remus fic, and I don't generally like Het, and yet the majority of this fic has been about Hermione and Severus. Bugger.


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